Walking by Faith

We're onto our 5th month trying to conceive. I can't say that I haven't had thoughts of discouragement, sadness, anger, fear. I find myself constantly having to turn to the Lord in prayer because I know His strength will get me through this. We're trying a couple new things this month. I'm back to charting (had to take a hiatus last month cause it was stressing me out), trying the clearblue fertility monitor, and going to time things better. We (well mostly me) decided we needed a vacation next month during the hubs spring break. That'll help keep my mind on other things instead of obsessing over this. I am grateful for this time I have with my husband. After kids I know that this time will be lost.

One thing I have learned this past Sunday during our service is "walking by faith, not by sight". Being a Type-A controlling person, I often try to plan what I can from what I know is going to happen. I love lists, schedules, all those types of things! But God is teaching me to trust Him even though I cannot see the future. I don't know what's going to happen but God is telling me to just take a leap of faith and fully embrace whatever He may bring my way. It's hard for me to let go of that control but I know that my schedule and plan for my life is not as good as the one God has planned for me.

I had gone to the doctor last month for an annual exam. I know I have a hemorrhagic ovarian cyst on my left ovary and I was worried that it was the cause of our failed attempts at trying to conceive. But after getting an ultrasound, the doctor says that it doesn't look like it's affecting anything fertility wise. It has gotten about 1 cm smaller since last year so its down to about 2.9cm. Which isn't too bad! The doctor also said that my right ovary is developing follicles like normal and that there isn't any cyst on that ovary. SO that's relieving to know that at least one ovary is working right!

Some things I have done to help boost our chances of conceiving are cutting down caffeine. I LONG for coffee every day but have quit for about a month. I have it around the time AF comes though, as a present for myself since BFN's are depressing. I also am starting to exercise more. I did a Bar Method class today! Gonna be sore later for sure. And I've been doing Jillian Michaels 30 day shred. So I've definitely got some things to keep my mind off of baby making. 

Devotions

I don't think its a coincidence that what I read in my daily devotions directly applies to my struggles with becoming pregnant. I started Romans a couple months ago and kept reading through the New Testament and now I'm on 2 Corinthians 12. The passage that really spoke to me was 2 Corinthians 12:9-10.

 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

My struggle, although minor compared to persecutions and other hardships, has definitely made me feel weak. I know that I cannot do anything to get pregnant besides wait for God's perfect timing. But this passage has given me alot of comfort. Knowing that God's grace is sufficient for me is so comforting. Knowing that Christ's power is strong enough to get me through my weakest moments. And I do have a lot of moments when I just get so frustrated and angry that nothing is happening. And I continually have to come before God and pray for a pure heart.

I'm also reading through Genesis where there are alot of stories about barren woman who God has opened their womb to have children. Specifically Sarah and Rachel. It shows just how sovereign our God is and how children are a gift from God.

I just pray and hope that someday God will gift us with children! Its the end of the 4th month trying to conceive. We'll see in a couple days whether or not we're onto the 5th month. I just pray for God to give me patience and grace and joy no matter the outcome.

Balancing God and Medicine

Lately I've been thinking a lot about God versus man's medical advice. I've been reading Taking Charge of Your Fertility, which is a great book that describes the woman's cycle in a lot of detail. I definitely learned a lot of things that I didn't know before. Things such as how important cervical mucus is (yeah gross I know but its so important!!), what your chart means, what your hormones are doing throughout your cycle. It makes me think about how to keep God in control of this whole process, and whether trying to take control of your fertility is an act of not trusting God completely. Or that we are trying to take things into our own hands. While I want to trust God completely in this, I often find myself trying to do what I can to get pregnant without God's help. These last 4 months have been really humbling, because everything is SO out of my control. I'm still trying to find the balance between trusting God solely and completely, versus trying techniques to increase our chances of being pregnant. I heard a message last Sunday that talked about this exactly! God was definitely working in my heart during that message. Basically what I got out of it was that we can try try try as hard as we can with our own efforts but ultimately without God's help it won't amount to anything. The pastor also brought up the point of trying to please God with our works versus our heart. After we sin we often say, "I need to get better at that, I'll have to try harder at that".  I have definitely been in the mindset of "how do I please God so that He will bless us with a baby". As hard as that was to write, it's true. I'm trying to change my mindset to because of what Jesus has done for me, I will obey Him. So to balance God and trying to use these techniques that I have learned, I am putting God first in all of my decisions of how to approach getting pregnant. I don't believe that techniques or modern medicine is bad per se, but without trusting in God first through this process, we will just be spinning our wheels which will just end up in frustration and anger. Everyday I pray to God and ask for His will to be done. I definitely cannot do it without His strength and His comfort through this time.

God, Baby, and Trying to Conceive

After 2+ years of baby fever, my husband has finally agreed that we could start trying for a baby back in November! Half a year before we had originally agreed to start trying. I was so excited that I started prepping for it. Being a type-A personality I did everything I could to research everything I could. I had started temping, reading blogs and articles online, etc. However, 4 months into it, I've learned that I am NOT in control of this whole process at all. Meaning we can do everything we can to get pregnant but in the end, it's not up to me, my husband, or anything we do. It's up to God and His perfect timing. How could I have lost track of that during all my research and planning?! I've recently been diving into God's word to rest upon His truths and promises. I am trying to learn that no matter what happens, when anything happens, if anything happens, that I still need to glorify God to the fullest. Every day is a struggle of anxiety, nervousness, fear, and anger that it's not happening on my timeline. God is teaching me everyday about patience, having joy through the hard times, taking away jealousy or any bad thoughts I have towards anyone else, and that His plan is so much better than any plan I could have for myself. Everyday I pray for His peace to rest on my heart and I lift up my anxieties and fears up to Him. Even though I still struggle in my faith throughout the day, ultimately I know that He loves me and He has an awesome plan for me. Here are some verses that have been comforting me lately:

    And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.
  (Romans 8:28 ESV)

    Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
(Philippians 4:4-7 ESV)

    Search me, O God, and know my heart!
        Try me and know my thoughts!
    And see if there be any grievous way in me,
        and lead me in the way everlasting!
  (Psalm 139:23-24 ESV)

So this blog is just a way to capture my thoughts throughout this whole process. I pray everyday for God to bless us with a baby but I know that He is in control and He is sovereign and has a plan far greater than I can even imagine.